Running longer

Endurance running up to 25 minutes, looking for 40.. Inching along…

Cab

Ummm good.

Comfort food

I feel as though my subliminal conscience may have given oil a bad rap. Not just corn oil, just about any oil that is heated before consumption, but my gut tells me “this would just be the end of cooking altogether.”

So for all the steamed red bliss’ that melt with velvety roundness and soft poaches that hold decadent sauces, I must say sautéing is the funnest.

So this little anecdote is about hummus and portobello’s. Hummus for its belly consuming heartiness and big mush caps for their odorous flavor and delicacy in a pan with hot olive oil.

And here it is, coming to an empty apt near you.

Food, diets, and everything else.

So today was the first day that I ate no meat whatsoever. The closest thing were about 6 shrimps for lunch. Really lunch could have been mistaken for an appetizer at a fancy restaurant. Either way I progressed. After lunch I had my usual puréed salad. Which then carried me into dinner which consisted of butternut squash, cauliflower, and red potatoes. And I didn’t even finish it, I had to eat the rest later. This worked out well for me because I tend to get hungry after dinner… Only to scavenge the fridge for nothing.

A few results from today’s diet are: (1) increased energy (2) increased alertness (3) less drag in slow moments (4) a certain clarity and conscious presence of thought.

Now, I don’t know if I can say that some of this is due the fact that I planned to find a way for this to happen the day before and maybe my mind is playing a trick on me somehow over the excitement and lack of other stimuli currently.

I will however say that I feel light as a feather, not emaciated, mentally unsluggish. Generally speaking I feel fantastic. At a specific point in dinner I started to feel stuffed and had to stop eating, but I did not nearly feel the laziness and abject weakness of a nap or any such retirement of the day. I’ve been bright eyed and bushy tailed since lunch really.

Now for the test, I must continue this pattern for a few weeks conducting myself as usual and in two weeks aggressively with a full load of classes.

Naps and rude awakenings

They say that people have multiple dreams even if they can’t recall any of them, or if they just remember one of them.  This afternoon I remembered one of them, I think the last as it was the one as I remembered.

So I got up early today and feeling sluggish and decided to take a nap in the afternoon.  I don’t know who catnaps or power naps are good for, but I don’t they are for me.

I woke up feeling groggy, but with a belittled sense of despair and weakness.  I dreamt about an ex who I decided to marry.  We married and I came to introductions to my extended family who hadn’t met her.  It was, well, awkward.  I felt a stump of confidence and a piercing sense of judgement coming from the family.  ”She’s really not that pretty.”  Is what I remembered the most.  Although that is not a deciding factor, it was the tip of the iceberg of how I felt about the situation.  I married her because I wanted someone, not because I wanted her.

I woke with a lazy sense of emotional weakness and distraught.

This harkens to my latest thoughts of will I ever meet someone  for me and more so should I settle.

I knew then that that was not an option.  I refuse to accept less.  I’d rather be dead.

New girl fun, Old girl feeling

Its ironic, recently I’ve been writing furiously without an outlet to other people.  I then stumbled on this blog thing… so there I was two days ago, thinking and thinking and thinking about something nice to write, something that wouldn’t sound like an 11th grader trying to impress his teacher with a thesaurus… during this time I was feeling unusually unconfident… I had just experienced a new woman… (dun dun dun)

So I met this girl, lets call her Margaret, at the library, we talked and had good conversation.. she seemed like a thoughtful person, sincere, and with a sort of playfulness about her.. we met at the same place for a week and then I took her out to a play.. well from there it was awkward.. sort of like Ichabod Crane walking through a land mine field.. of course without due involvement on my part..

That aside we continued to see each other (to my surprise), and the more I felt as though I could share something with her… things were heating up, she felt the same, as though we had known each other for some time… then something happened… I felt overcome with feeling and tried to explain it to her… and she gave no response… she mentioned that things may have developed too quickly… at that point I realized that I was on my own with this runaway feeling…

Wow, what a feeling, to feel more connected to someone than they do to you… what to do?  Should  I accept this and continue chasing her?  Should I back off?  Should I stop everything and continue on my way?  So many routes on how to handle this.

Well I tried swallowing the bitter pill and it seemed as though I could not get over this and grew short in patience.  I mentioned backing off and she did not agree with the idea.  Its like putting a damn up on Niagra, and then opening and closing arbitrarily.  Sort of like giving permission to another to regulate how I feel.  Wow, thats something special, I can’t believe I did that.

I now see that I’ve been holding on to something… I’ve been keeping those extra feelings locked up and thus stopping my energy flow.  Attempting to follow her, I let her whim dictate how much I felt.

So I basically put my foremost energy on hold (the feeling of love, not being in love) and to the discretion of another  and it caused a disaster..

Now I’ve realized that my energy flow must flow unbridled in order for me to truly experience love and happiness (life).

During my incubating process I started to notice her peculiarities… too much drinking, energy vamping, inconsiderate to personal belongings, mixed messages, and etc.

After she told me that it was a bit early for such expressiveness I lost it… I didn’t know how to react… or act accordingly.

The more we hung out, the more I realized that she was trying to hold on to me (like playing the game), but our connection at this point was by a string.  I wanted that relationship with a person that would allow for me and them to be completely open, I thought that I could have that with this girl, and in my greed for this I ended up chasing something that was not there.

My transitive thought from this situation is why I was attracted to such a person.

Strangely, after the fact, she reminded me of a toned down version of my ex… (uh oh)